Yesterday was a big day for me as we enter this new chapter of mother's life. I will share it with you and in this way give you an update on her condition in the context of our current life together.   

Since 1973, when I completed my last year of school and we lived on Roundtop Drive with Dutch and Gaby I have watched mother seek her personal answer to the three primary questions in life. Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go when we leave this earth? During this time I too have spent a huge part of my life seeking the meaning behind the three Ws?, as has Gaby. All thee of us have found different answers, but each of us feels strongly that our spiritual quest has successfully led us to this inner knowing that establishes our personal relationship with our God.   

Now we are at a time when it appears that mother's relationship and learning is being put to the test. As we all know mother has engaged her immune system to fight off the tendency towards cancer since she had her mastectomy some 9 years ago. Her urine therapy, diet, exercise and a generally strong will to live have been effective during that time to keep the cancer cells under control. (I just read again in Discover Magazine how the latest research on Olive Oil and cancer prevention has shown that certain foods encourage the body's immune system to successfully fight cancer. Well if foods can do it so can attitude and lifestyle choices. Indeed we all grow cancer cells every day and our immune system usually is successful in weeding them out and eliminating them before they have a chance to cause problems.)  

Alas the repeated challenges of the past few years have done their bit to wear on mothers will to live. Her life ravaged body shows the marks and scars of her many surgeries and has atrophied beneath the weight of these experiences. Her determination to get up and fight has given way to a silent resignation, focused on the enjoyment of the simple treats in life. Dunking a butter croissant into her Ovaltine, watching the birds at the feeder, sleeping to her hearts content; these are the primary activities now. I watch her sit in silence as she dozes in and out of sleep. Trying to find a comfortable position to sit or lie on the couch as her back aches with the stiffness of inactivity. A walk up and down the stairs to the TV has her gasping for air and calling for oxygen.   

Her manners are short and curt, yet loving and appreciative. It's clear that she is trying to come to terms with her situation. She does not want to talk to anyone yet is buoyed by the presence of visitors. She is glad that they don't stay too long so she can rest again, yet seems bored when she has caught up on sleep. Without a 24 hour regiment of Tylenol, she is overcome with coughing fits but she is already disgusted by all the medication she is putting in her body. I give her quasha treatments almost every night and this morning she will have a shower.   

A big red patch has appeared on her chest around the place where her right breast used to be. It is a web of blood vessels just under the skin and reminds me of the blood vessels that grew around her breast tumor as it protruded like half a grapefruit all those years ago. The nurse said to keep an eye on it and if it gets worse to take her in to Dr. Mahoney to look at it. But the nurse also re-confirmed that when mother asks for treatment the nurses and doctors are duty bound to act and that could lead to another stay in hospital and all the noisy confusion and tests that go with that.   

And that brings us to the crux of the matter. In the past it has been our objective to put mother back together again after she was knocked down. The focus was on re-habilitation to live longer and do more. The sacrifices and hard work she invested were worth it because she looked forward to giving treatments to her friends, lying cheek to cheek with me in County Park, picking berries with Birgit, going to visit family. Mother gave her best effort to control her diet, do her exercises and work hard to rebuild her body to live another day. Now the choices have been made to abandon the treatment of her diabetes and cardiovascular disease and we are no longer pushing her envelope. The medical prognosis is of a terminal, systemic, re-occurrence of breast cancer.   

Mother has said many times over the past year that she is tired and ready to go "HOME". She prayed to Jesus to take her and in the last round of rehab more often than not voiced her feeling of "Who Needs It". Still now that her doctors and caregivers have accepted that she has entered her last chapter, mother is still not sure what to do. The prospect of a gradual demise with difficulty breathing frightens her and I think like all of us, she found it easier to be decisive when she was a safe distance from the event. And like all of us she had a romantic notion of how easy the transition to the other side would be. Now it seems that life is presenting her with another hard road to walk and calling on her stamina and personal strength to face just one more challenging adventure.   

In the midst of all this I found myself impatient yesterday at what at first glance seemed like a crumbling of mother's beliefs under pressure. After healthy and open conversations with Gaby and detailed reflection before going to sleep last night it now is clear that I can't possible judge that from my privileged perspective. I am convinced now that just two minutes in mother's skin would change my view of the world so dramatically as to make it almost unrecognizable. My greatest desire now is to find the stillness to be supportive of mother even at a time of indecision and emotional turmoil. To let her lean on me at a time when she is not able to be that pillar of strength anymore. To have the wisdom to act in ways and make decisions on her behalf that bring her the peace she seeks.   

Yesterday with nurse Trish we tried to reconfirm mothers treatment wishes. What should we do if we find her unable to breathe but her heart still beating? Under what conditions would she want to be airlifted back to hospital for treatment? How serious is she about being ready to die and wanting to die at home? It was clear that mother is struggling with these questions inside. She is not an expressive person and does not spend a lot of time talking about her thoughts but you can see by her silent ways that she is praying a lot, doing her decrees in silence, asking for guidance in trying to find her way through this situation. So in her own way she is facing this challenge with quiet courage. The answers will come, one day at a time. And once again I find myself blessed with the opportunity to fly by her wingtip, learning, experiencing, sharing in the experience of aging and dying. I am oh so grateful for that.   

On a beam of light,  
Thomas.