I had mother on a good regimen of medication yesterday it seemed. We had a great time at county park. Dozed in the sunshine for almost two hours. Mother had her hat on and was bundled up because we had a cool brisk wind which she really enjoyed. The sky was a crystal blue and the water was shimmering in the late afternoon summer sun. White fluffy clouds were racing across the sky. I lay there looking up at mother in her chair with a tall pine tree, framed by the blue and white contrast of the sky, acting as her background.   

After we returned home her shortness of breath caught up with her again and then when we went to the colors she perked up for a little while. Getting settled in bed was near impossible until we decided to give her a full strength codeine pill and then she settled in and slept well all night. Only two little pee stops along the way and she was comfortable.   

However this morning when she awoke at 7am she was in major panic mode. I think we let it go too long between doses. She was visibly frightened and at times shaking. We sat outside on the deck and when I asked her if she was cold she said "nein ich zittere vor wut!" However when I asked her if she was angry she said "no I was just kidding" and produced a smile. When the regular medication did not do the trick to relieve her anxiety I increased the dosage and now she is resting and sleeping comfortably again.   

Here is how I see the situation at present. The pressure must feel like someone is standing on her chest. She refuses the oxygen harness, sometimes even blankets, anything that makes her "feel" in any way restricted adds to her anxiety. Once she gets anxious she tenses up and this heightens the effect until she reaches a state of panic. If I can keep that panic under control with the right amount of sedation she can have some enjoyment in her days. It is a delicate balancing act but I think it can be done. Once she is out of panic mode she can also be more focused on her healing or her acceptance that her time has come to go home to GOD. In that state she can still enjoy the gifts of life like she did yesterday at county park (it was the first time in a long time that a totally unsolicited smile of joy and comfort spread across her face repeatedly while she had her eyes closed and face to the wind).   

Birgit will arrive around lunch time and then the two of them will take me to the ferry (or I might take the car if mother is not fresh yet). I will prepare a timetable for Birgit to give her some guidance with the medication. I will be back on Saturday morning.   

And the story continues.   

On a beam of light  
Thomas