Today was a large day. Billowing clouds kept playing hide and seek with the sun so that we couldn't tell if it was going to be hot or cool. Finally in the afternoon the sun won the game and the clouds just hung around for decoration.   

Mother slept the whole night through last night except for one quick pee stop around 4am. The combination of Vicadin and Alprazolam seem to put her to sleep very soundly. We spent the day on the Alprazolam only to see if she could stay a little more alert during the day. This morning she slept mostly but this afternoon she was much perkier. Interestingly enough, she felt as if her breathing was much harder yet she exhibited none of the struggles that we have come to associate with a hard day.  

Its tough to judge the dosage precisely. Her responses are not at all consistent. Much of it is wrapped up in her internal struggle. At lunch today we ran into Trish while mother was reveling in her clam chowder and fries (I had lunch waiting at home so I just had a banana). While I went off to chat with Trish's husband Mother apparently told Trish that she was ready to die. Indeed she said the same thing to me a couple of times. Then later she asked me what she needs to do to cure the cancer. She has conversations with Jesus and St. Germain all the time in her head, heated discussions I think about keeping promises and why they are not listening to her. When one looks outside oneself for answers its easy to get disappointed and feel abandoned. I think she is just working through her situation as her awareness and emotional state allows.   

We also went to county park this afternoon where I had a chance to have my nap. Except for the babbling and screaming tourists it was a glorious couple of hours. Mother even asked to take some hot ovaltine and the rest of her bearclaws that were left over from breakfast. Then tonight we went to colors again. This time I left mother sitting at the ceremony while I took off to climb the hill a few times trying to fit some exercise in to keep myself from falling apart. It it interesting to reflect on mother's situation from the perspective of my understanding. I truly believe that the last surgery mother had to remove the lump caused the cancer to spread more quickly. I believe that the lump was the result of mother taking lipitor after her heart surgery. I believe that the heart surgery was needed because of her cardiovascular disease caused by her insulin resistance and diabetes. Her diabetes was of course caused by her excess weight, poor eating habits and lack of exercise.  

Mother was never consequential in her thinking. She mostly lived from day to day, crisis to crisis. So I am not sure what if any thoughts go through her mind as she contemplates her fate. But for a consequentialist like me it takes a lot of unconditional love to fly by her wing-tip as she enjoys and defends the cause of her demise. Maybe we all do it to some extent. Who is to say that its not worth it. We all have to die and most humans seem content to accelerate the process. My passion for life is in such contrast to the disrespect for god's gift of life exhibited all around me, I'm afraid that I am not always successful at zenning it as well as I would like. I hope I'm getting better at it though. That is the unconditional nature of god's creation. The gift of life is free and has no strings attached. We can cherish it or abuse it. Life does not care.   

This was our sunset tonight. What a blessing to live on a planet that has such abundance of water that it collects in clouds and then just falls from the sky!!!!   

On a beam of light, 
Thomas 

Hi Everyone; 
Thank you Thomas for sharing your day and your beautiful pictures with us. This is interesting to see your daily life and thoughts. I actually agree with you, I think doing this surgery probably stirred things up and spread the cancer more. I talked to another lady who's mother -- family member passed away and the woman's son said in the end his mother taught him how to die. 

I should probably keep my mouth shut, this is really a difficult time for all of us especially you. You have to remember when mother grew up, they had nothing to eat. nothing at all, so that she had to get sent to other people's homes to be fed and put up with all kinds of circumstances (including sexual and physical abuse). She also grew up in a time where the whole family lived on 1/2 pound of protein/meat a week. If you can imagine that. So the man got 1/4 pound and the rest of the family got to share the other  1/4 pound. So to keep their energy level up they existed on sugars. With eggs... like pfannekuchen and griesbrei etc... which didn't help their cholesterol levels either.so:-))) ! and yes mother grew up during the war, to a family who wasn't very educated so she was as you put it used to "pissing on fire" all her life.  So she didn't have the ability to save and think things through/plan ahead.  I remember living with her, she always said its no sense to plan because we don't know what tomorrow brings. :-) maybe it was good that you didn't grow up with us in California, but moved on to Nova Scotia, it gave you a different perspective, exposure. I can see it be interesting that mother doesn't seem to experience the need for air when she is out and about, but mostly when she comes home. 

I think this is at best a difficult time for mother too, one minute not caring and wanting to go, then asking about being healed. I do think mother has gone through a lot including the last few surgeries in her life, which you have worked through more personally than any of the rest of us. Mostly her will to live has pulled her through the other scenarios... not sure how much of that is left for this one. We cannot judge unless we've walked a mile in the shoes of the other... I have learned that over the years. So consider yourself hugged and thanked for all that you do do for mother. I can understand that it can be challenging yet rewarding on many different levels. so:-) hugh  i have spoken ! I did get mother's phone call and I'll try and call in the afternoon. from 8-11am we are doing music during the Seafair 5 k run over in Bellevue,.. interesting idea. they are paying us $ 100 for is. now if they would pay us in calories and energy consumed. Tonight we did a gig from 7-11pm with the band we are both exhausted. Know that I love you. 

Your little big sis.
Birgit