(editor's note: Here is an example of an honest sharing of imperfect thoughts at a time when family is trying to make sense of it all. Oma did the very best she could with the information available to her and she always - always took full responsibility for her situation. For a better insight into her life's experiences watch her website for a book to be published in the next year or two.)

Hi Birgit:   

Sorry I was so negative yesterday when you called me. I was in a space where I was angry and saddened by the pain that humans inflict on themselves and each other.  

Its just that this whole process did not need to happen. If mother had made healthier lifestyle choices and had reduced her weight she would not have had insulin resistance and type II Diabetes. This would likely have prevented her heart condition and the need for cancer causing statins like Lipitor which I feel certain played a major role in bringing the cancer back. It is so hard to see mother seek things like french-fries and bearclaws, the source of her hardship, as a treat in these last weeks or months of her life. The notion of healing foods and helping the body to do what its intended to do, which was the underlying principle behind her reflexology practice, has seemingly gone out the window. Her extra weight not only was the main cause of her current situation but also makes her life much harder now that her muscles are rapidly atrephying. Getting up off a chair and even just standing has just about become impossible for her to do unasisted.    

Last night I had a good cry and found more strength in my soul to accept the situation as it is. My opportunity is to manifest my love in her world through action. Love is a Verb after all. From sweeping the floors to wiping her bottom, each moment brings an opportunity to anchor my love in this world. Love is what we came for. Love is what makes life worth living. Love is what makes our flowers bloom. Love Is all there is.   

Mother's mobility is more and more strained as time moves on. I see her abdomen expanding and becoming progressively harder. Her feet are swelling and she doesn't have the will to pump them anymore or get on the trampoline to move her lymph fluid. Increasing the dosage on the meds makes her sleep more. She dreams more lucidly all the time, waking from her trips to parallel life streams with clear memories of details, smells and tastes. she dreams a lot about food and often wonders where all the food is she prepared.   

We still make it to County Park though. Last night while we were dosing in our chairs, Jean Hendrickson happened upon us and gave mother a warm greeting. Later as we were ready to leave Wendy and Barbara arrived to say hi. They had stopped by the house and finding us gone came straight to the park to look for us. I picked some berries which we shared and the whales performed their dance out on Haro Strait.   

The day Gaby left Laura Oma and I went to lunch at Roche Harbor together. Alana came by and greeted Oma and after a few minutes returned with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. Yesterday Bobby came to visit and brought a wonderful fuchsia orchid for mother. Before that Rob and Leone brought a bag of plums form her tree. Even though mother is getting less tolerant of visitors the outpouring of love from all her friends continues.   

I really do appreciate you making the time to provide some respite for me. It is important to maintain a balance and nurture my love of life. So if you can confirm the dates and time you can be here for the Labor Day weekend that would be grand. Today is your first day in your new job. I am sending you lots of light to help you adjust to another new work environment. May this one bring you joy and happiness.   

for the love of life
Thomas

Hi Thomas; 
I understand, it can be frustrating... dealing with us "mere mortals" ! humans ! I can definitely commit labor day weekend... that's what i thought would be the one where I can get 3 days in a row because of the holiday... so if I come Friday night... I can stay Saturday, Sunday and most of Monday... I can probably start later on Tuesday morning too. and give you all of Monday to come back. so, I am hereby confirming that.. I will also try to come most Sundays if not more . we have a gig on the 20th.. it will be busy, so probably not that weekend, but most other weekends. I think our Saturday gigs are in the afternoon- so I could still make an evening ferry Saturday and come Sunday. anyways:-))( just for you to get a walk in or some web work done or some kind of breather ! :-) I was thinking at the river front the other night how different our lifestyles are.. and how different Mother's lifestyles and choices are from Ellen und Will's for instance... and thinking about how you would feel about the meat and the whipped cream etc we had there... but these people earn all the calories they eat.. they get up at 3am to milk the goats and cows... the groom/host asked if we into milking animals:-))) ! I was thinking of Onkel Will doing the fishing and Will and Ellen hiking and skiing and all the outdoor activity they had that we never did as a family. I think if it weren't for school outings in those days or my friend Birgit whom i got into trouble with all the time, we would have been pretty home bound. so :-) yes life is a matter of choices... mother didn't know she had them, and wasn't interested to find out either. I also know that the cancer was probably there and would have come out eventually, the surgery and lipitor maybe expedited that or aggravated it, but i think tendencies for that were already there. I think you're right mother has that sign "take my advice i don't use it" it's soooooooo true ! Phil and i are walking and riding our bikes and then some and we still have the weight issue, so its not lack of trying. we just need to triple that amount of exercise. I talked to one of the guys Ron on Saturday he says he knows a lady who is 92, has beaten all kinds of cancer and is now at the age of 92 coming out with her own video on exercise for seniors ! amazing ! but one has to want to, or it won't happen. Anyways ;-) I'm rambling... I hope I'm making sense... ! I had to go to the badging office ( they badge (r) you there..... need a picture ID... a line a mile long 30 + people and only one gal to handle them ! ridiculous. so :-) i'm home starting the process tomorrow, or later on today. I will start my first full day tomorrow.. .really need the day after this weekend. scooter ( our cat is lost and I'm a bit bummed about that too)

lol birgit