Today we passed a major milestone. But before I explain, let me give you all a little background. Since Gaby left I have been seeking some clarification and direction from mother as to her care. You see since I am the primary caregiver, it is I that is called upon to decide how much medication mother should receive from day to day. Not enough medication and she suffers and feels she can't catch her breath. Too much medication and she sleeps all the time and while blissful is not really present. While trying to walk the middle ground, mother's action have been sending mixed signals. She tells people that she will give treatments again as soon as she gets better, does her urine therapy to fight the cancer and eats her vitamins to stay healthy. At the same time she tells us that she wants to die primarily because she does not want to live like this anymore. Then she says she feels like she is ungrateful wanting to die when she has it so good, then she can't catch her breath and she is miserable again.   

My conundrum was that without clear direction from her I could not get myself to write her death warrant by increasing the dosage of her meds so that she would always be comfortable. Once I do that, the choice is made, she is going home. I truly felt that this was a decision she should be making. So I more or less (and in a loving way) have been badgering her to come to grips with her situation and give me some clear marching orders. Thankfully we ran out of Alprazolam two days ago so she was only on Vicodin. While this made breathing more difficult it did keep her head fairly clear and we could have some lucid discussions. Finally this morning just before we headed off to go see Dr. Mahoney she started to open up and told me that she really is not sure whether she should apply herself to getting better or accept that this is her time to go home.   

Mother has been a healer for a good part of her life. Her focus has been to make people better. She has taught people about the power of the spoken word and that "your body hears every word you say". Now to accept that her time has come and to let the tumor do its thing is so counter intuitive, that even though she asked Jesus to take her home she expected it to happen while she was in perfect health. So I understood how it could be very difficult for her to make this kind of decision. Still I expected if from her. This morning when she admitted to not being able to make the decision we almost called off our appointment with Dr. Mahoney. What would we ask of her?   

At the last moment I remembered that mother had been called for jury duty and we needed a letter from Susan to excuse her from that obligation. I also wanted to discuss getting a handicapped sticker so we could park closer to where mother wants and needs to go. While driving to Friday Harbor it occurred to me that it would be good to have this discussion with Dr. Mahoney and have Susan reflect on the choices facing us. Maybe she could have some input.   

Well, as usual, Susan was a gem. First she listened to me and my concern about wanting mother to choose for herself. Then she turned her chair towards Oma and asked her how she felt and if she felt clear enough to make such a decision. When mother wasn't able to answer decisively Susan suggested that maybe we are just too far along to expect that kind of thinking from Oma. Maybe the cardiovascular disease and the spread of the cancer has already hampered her cognitive abilities enough so that the choice is beyond her present capacity. All this was of course in mother's presence.   

Susan then went on to suggest that we should look to mother's steadfastness in the past, when her mind was still sharp, and take our cue from that. I know she has often talked about looking forward to her day of transition into another life. She has asked her spiritual guides, Jesus and St. Germain, to welcome her to the other side. She as asked us to wear white at her service after her cremation in celebration of her new beginnings. She has asked me to spread her ashes on Mount Shasta, a sacred place for her. Susan knows that mother was very clear about refusing chemo therapy, radiation and all other treatments when the cancer was first discovered. This last time at the hospital mother stated clearly to the doctor that she didn't want any further treatment and that she wanted to go and die at home.   

So the decision was made. Based on this new perspective my role was clear. I must keep mother a comfortable as possible as she progresses through the transition. When we stated that, mother smiled and clearly re-enforced the decision by saying; "I would really like that". Later in the car, after we went to the courthouse to pick up the form for the disabled parking sticker and buying her a soft ice-cream that she requested, we had the conversation again. We reviewed our discussion in the doctors office. This time I put it on tape. Mother affirmed that we are now on the right road and that she is truly ready to die.   

Her behavior from there on was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. We went to the Thai restaurant for lunch and then spent fully 3 hours sitting outside behind Balindeba eating cake and drinking coffee. She watched the airplanes make their approaches to the airport, watched the sparrows scavenge the crumbs, and the seagulls soaring high overhead in the clear blue sky. She was smiling, asking questions and discussing politics. She felt comfortable being alone while I ran a couple of errands and seemed totally at peace. Later when we went to buy groceries she eagerly picked out her favourite items and only then said, "ok, I have what I want, now you can buy what's on your list".   

At one point we even talked about how nice it would be to eventually set up her hospital bed on the deck so she can sleep outside during the day when she can't be mobile anymore. We talked about getting a wheelchair with balloon tires so we can navigate gravel roads and lawns. We talked about what a gift she could give to her friends to share with them her comfort in making the transition. I told her that even when she gets to the stage of not being able to walk I will use my strength as best I can to take her out and let the wind waft through her soul.   

When we got home she wanted to sit on the sofa with her oxygen on as usual. I thought she would go to sleep and we agreed that this would be a good opportunity for me to take a little time and check on the boat. When I returned, she had turned her oxygen off, hung up the hose, changed her top and was munching on a slice of bread and some brie cheese. Its almost like she has been re-empowered.   

So here we are. Mother is comfortable with this path and I am comfortable that I have exercised due diligence in determining the proper course of action. She is back on her full meds, at somewhat increased dosages to make her as comfortable as possible. If that means she will sleep more, that is all right with her. Now before I give her a quasha treatment she wants me to read this draft to her so that she can have her say and edit it as needed.   Stand by....   Its now an hour later. I have read the letter to mother and she has asked me to add her comments on the bottom that the letter expresses exactly what she feels and what she experienced today. I should send it as is. But before that it was time for her quasha treatment and she took new initiatives to tell me exactly what she wanted done. She told me how to apply the cream and then that she wanted some oil on the lung areas of her feet. Water, hair brush, cream, chime button by her bedside, sticky bear claw prints wiped off the doorknobs, night gown out of the dryer, a little tlc (mostly soap and water carefully dried off) applied to a rash she has developed in her groin and an extra bedtime dose of meds and she is tucked into bed. But not before the chime went off one more time to remind me to add the statement to the bottom of the e-mail that it tells it like she sees it.   

As Dr. Mahoney explained, all of these things are part of her "comfort". Who are we to judge what it is that brings her comfort at this time. It may look to us like she is trying to heal herself but all she is looking for is a certain comfort zone. That made sense to me and now I too feel a burden lifted. I can now manifest my love moment to moment and in so doing compound the love in my life each and every day. I can do this in the full knowledge that I am doing the right thing by my mother and that she is comfortable and appreciative of my service. Right now it feels like this transition is going to become a blessed experience of love after all.   

On a beam of Light,  
Thomas