Lately mother has been asking when we will be going home. It took a while to sort out what she meant but after she told me that home is where we are close to Roche Harbor and where we can go to the Thai restaurant for lunch and where her clothes are in the closet it became clear that by home in this instance she meant our cottage here on San Juan Island. She continuously marvels at how similar this place looks to home, finding it very hard indeed to accept that she is still here. Her frame of reference has already moved beyond this place and she is looking back on life at the cottage almost constantly now.

The other morning she asked if anyone at home will miss us if we don't come back. I assured her that while she will be missed by family, friends and patients, everyone recognizes that she has manifested a lot of love on this planet and that the time has come for her consciousness to focus on other life streams where she can continue to manifest her love in the presence of God. Her tattered and frayed decree book came into my hands and I read a poem from the adorations section about acceptance. It made her smile and close her eyes again as she drifted off once more to join her beloved guides; Jesus and Saint Germain in the exploration of what lies ahead.

It is so wonderful to see her peaceful "geborgenheit" as she rests, unwaveringly in the knowledge that god loves her unconditionally and no matter how imperfect she might be god will continue to shower her with the gift of life. We have truly moved to a spiritual phase now. Her bodily functions and needs are all seen to. Her medications are constantly ramped up and adjusted to keep her comfortable. Her focus is less and less on doing and more and more on being. "You are not a human doing," Saint Germain once said to her, "You are a human being".

As Gaby, Laura and Birgit did when they were here, we spend countless hours sitting on the couch holding hands. It was Gaby's idea to set up a Christmas tree early so when Laura and I came back last Friday we found one and on Sunday morning we set it up in the living room. We had a special day; Andre Rieu playing Christmas music, tangerines, nuts and eggnog to celebrate as we decorated the tree.

A few weeks ago we received a card quite unexpectedly from some carolers that wished to sing for Oma. So on this day that we set up the Christmas tree twelve wonderful elves showed up, crammed themselves into our living room and sang their little hearts out for mother. What a grand gift that was.

We also had visitors from India, these wonderful souls poured their heart out in loving tribute to the being that is our mother. Shabari and Oma had a clear other life connection and the radiance between them was palpable. It is always amazing how many people have been touched by mother's light in this lifetime. She has often been such a tough individual and yet the love light that connects her to her friends and fellow humans is overwhelming.

There are the logistics of making sure there are enough supplies of baby powder and anti itch cream as well as groceries in the house as we are not as ready to travel to town anymore as we once were but most of the focus now is on the spiritual adventures that she embarks upon each day. There are many questions that seek answers, much reflection and contemplation about her relationship with her god and her loving guides.

Since mother does not want to spend any time alone anymore I spend a lot of time in her presence, recording the little gems of communication in my journal to be published in a series of books when she has gone. Now my primary focus is on her, not on sharing with the outside world. I don't want to miss a single moment and much of the spiritual adventures seem trite and unbelievable if they are shared out of context. To share them in their true meaning requires more writing than I am willing to do in front of the computer these days. It would be a shame if I missed her transition moment because I was busy at the keyboard.

So know that this is a time of joy and love and light for us here at Oma's cottage. The only tears that flow are tears of gratitude that this has all been made possible. Life (and death) does not get any better than this!!!!

The above was written a couple of days ago. Since then mother spent the entire Sunday in bed sleeping. Yesterday was a little more active, she got up at 1pm and asked to get dressed at 3:30 or so. Trish our visiting nurse came at 5:30 and I discussed this apparently dramatic change of mother's state with her and in response she told me that so many people at this point talk about going "home". She left me a wonderful little book to read that gently describes the stages one goes through as death draws near and I am grateful to read of other's experience and how certain symptoms and behaviors are so parallel.

We talked about mother's medication as mother was still suffering from time to time. I tend to keep her meds just this side of the comfort zone, that is I tend to under medicate a bit. Trish gently suggested that I should maybe consider a little morphine supplementation to help with those times. We are now up to 50mcg/hr of Fentanyl and 5 plus 7.5mg doses of Vicadin and a smattering of Alprazolam. We talked again about the catheter and the timing to get it in. for now mother is still too active. Once she is bed ridden will be soon enough. Two days ago I thought that day had come. Today I feel its still a little longer.

Last night we had a hard time going to sleep. We were up until 11 and then again at 1:30 2:30 and 3:30 before we finally found peace and slept until 9am. I gave mother 10mg of liquid morphine last night to help her through the evening rough spots. And then we spent almost two hours dealing with a bowel obstruction that was causing mother serious discomfort. With her marked decrease in food consumption (besides her snack of grapes, apples, bear claws and chocolate, to help swallow the medication mother's primary food now seems to be gries-brei), and her increased meds I didn't quite keep up with the stool softeners. That dose is up again to 3 x 100 mg capsules. So was it the bowel obstruction, the morphine, or the fact that I happen to be reading two books where I simultaneously reached chapters dealing with the madness of MAD and the question of species survival, that kept us agitated? It may have also been that there were some internal changes in the tumor that caused more pressure on mother's bladder. One never knows.

Trish did say one thing last night that I found remarkable. She said that every nurse she works with should be able to set foot into our tranquil and peaceful Shambhala just to see how it could be for their patients. It seems so many are facing the challenges of dieing in an environment that is filled with the violence of television and the noises of every day life. For us to have tranquil music, soft light, and peace is such a gift for mother to be able to sort out her spiritual matters at this time. Again I remind you of what I said at the beginning of this update. We are so blessed. I am in awe of the magnificence of this experience and like I said to Gaby on the phone yesterday I would not trade one moment of it for all the money in the world.

On a beam of light,
Thomas