Since my failed attempt at a nap mother has been sleeping uninterrupted for over four hours. Oh how I would have cherished such peacefulness two nights ago. At that time Oma was embroiled in a physical struggle of accepting her total disability. It started more or less when she declared quite suddenly that she did not want to be constantly treated like an invalid. She insisted that she could get up and manage her own way to the chair or the commode. For two nights she repeatedly refused all assistance and strained and fought against her deteriorated state in a futile attempt to gain physical control of her situation. It was only with great restraint that I was able to stand by and give her the freedom to develop her own personal understanding of her state based on her direct and personal experience.

When Trish came as usual this week she found is in the bedroom, mother dozing. We had lots to share with her and when she was ready to leave mother insisted on sitting up to give her a hug. As you can see most of the hugging was of course done my Trish. Nevertheless mother slept with great joy and peace after Trish tucked her in.   

I also find it interesting how varied mothers expressions are as she sleeps. It is clear to me that she has grand travels and deep experiences. Often I find myself making great noises like running the vacuum cleaner or the blender and mother will not stir at all. Other times she is startled by a mere pinecone falling on the roof. There is this very peculiar thing she does where all of a sudden in the middle of a deep sleep she squeezes her eyes shut real tight like a little girl in the shower who does not want to get soap in her eyes. Her expression will stay like that for a few minutes and then relax again. Often when she awakes she won't know who I am, calls for Papa or today for Jürgen. I am convinced that she has grand travels and therefore finds her total disability on her return all the more startling.   

Her mind once awake is still sharp though, even with the considerable amount of narcotics that are maintained in her blood stream. But her body has atrophied greatly. Her arms are skeletal in appearance and her back, when I rub it, now has clear protruding vertebrae where before there was a thick layer of fat obscuring any evidence of her bony structure. More and more as she sits in her wheelchair she has the appearance of a paraplegic having lost much of her abilities to maintain posture in any way.   Speaking of wheelchairs, yesterday we did have a triumph of sorts. I discovered that the "mud chair" as I called the wheelchair we would regularly take to county park last summer and push around in the grass, actually fits into the shower stall. So after talking about it a bit mother agreed it would be a good idea to attempt a shower in it. I lifted her into the chair and then hobbled it into place in the shower. It was arduous and mother was 'tapfer' as I scurried about trying to wash her and keep her as warm as possible in the process but it was a real shower nonetheless. After it was all done and we were on our way to the living room couch I asked her if she thought it was worth the effort; "Oh Yea!!" was her reply.

Not long after that we talked at length about how wonderful we have it here. When I say "we" talked of course I am exaggerating. Its mostly me talking and the best I can get from mother is for her eyes to remain open most of the time while I speak and for the odd smile or nod to confirm that she concurs with my sentiments. I feel confident in this form of communication because when I am off base she is still capable enough to tell me what I am saying is all "quatsch" or balderdash. I also expressed some major gratitude that I am in strong enough physical shape to be able to actually lift her clear off her bed or couch and place her onto the commode or wheelchair. How restricted and trapped she would feel if she had to remain in bed all the time.

Still it is trying at times for me to follow her antics of denial when she refuses to accept her condition. She is exactly where she has asked Jesus to be. Her prayers have been answered in every respect. All the things she said "who needs it" about have fallen away from her life, she is going home and her transition is about as easy as it gets given her health. The medication continues to keep her mostly pain free and she can sleep comfortably in her own bed.

For me the trying times are a wonderful test to remind me of my need to practice acceptance and love in the face of challenges. For mother the test is to trust in her God that all is as it should be. For both of us its a rich time of learning and growing. And speaking of growing... isn't this a tenacious little guy. Frost had seemingly killed this geranium but some little life force inside told me to take the little thing indoors and a couple of days later this appeared... Isn't LIFE Grand?     

On a beam of light
Thomas