At least she was this morning. She has entered a new dream state where she is very active. She is animated and actively engaged in another reality where she goes out to lunch with friends, gives treatments, lectures, waves her arms and finger, gives and gets kisses and in general shows all the actions and expressions that she has here in the past. 

Last week Birgit came for a few days to be with mother. It was a great time for sharing and helped both along their chosen path. Birgit played some music for mother and although mother enjoyed it, her outward appearance continued to be beaten, drawn and tired. Then on Thursday, the afternoon of Birgit's last day here, it started. Mother would seem to mumble a little while sleeping. Nothing unusual at first, she was just talking in her sleep. But as time went on the conversations got more and more intense.   

By the time mother got her sleep-aid meds and we turned out the lights around midnight on Thursday I knew something was different. We both had a good sleep. Awaking around 7 I found mother already engaged. She was still mumbling to be sure but had added considerable facial expression changes and was going much more constantly now. This continued on and by late afternoon she was starting to use her arms and becoming quite animated.   Suddenly around 9:30 she decided that she needed to get up to go pee and after lifting her onto the commode she asked me to get the wheelchair so she could go into the living room. We needed up spending three hours watching Andre videos and I remember thinking that this is just the way it was two weeks ago. Then she suddenly announced she had enough and would I take her back to her bedroom. Again we had a good night's sleep and in the morning she was at it again with even more intensity.   

While connected to that dream state, that other world, mother is not only more active and communicative but she is also totally independent and unafraid. She does not require my presence and often pushes my hand aside with her gestures. When I lean over to talk to her she looks at me startled as if I had interrupted a conversation (which I probably had). She is quite content lying for hours, unattended, waving her arms and engaged in that other life experience. She talks about all kinds of things and always has pauses in between where she seems to be listening intently, she talks about going to lunch and a short while later I see her definitively making extensive chewing motions.   

In the midst of all this she suddenly announced last night that she had to get up to go pee. It seems once a day we go through that ritual. During this time she was back to her breathless, crushed, disabled self. After lifting her back onto the bed while she sat there for a moment she told me that "its time to go home". I asked which home her shambhala or heaven to which she replied "I'm already in my shambhala!" Then as soon as she lay down she would start "talking" again. At 12:30 she spit out her teeth and handed them to me. At 1:30 she pulled off her oxygen canula. By 2:30 I expected her to convulse and leave her body any moment now. 3:30, 4:30 came and went. By 5:30 I figured I might as well get some sleep as this could take a while.

It was when I awoke at 7:30 this morning that I heard her actively engaged in giving a lecture on reflexology. She also told one patient "I will give you one treatment and then we will see if you can put up with me!" followed by a big smile. Although I can not hear or comprehend every word it is clear that there is a continuity to her experience and that its true conversation and not just a mumbling monologue. Her facial expressions and arm movements further substantiate that interpretation. I can't help but wonder if in another setting this might not be simply attributed to drug induced hallucinations requiring restraint measures for her own protection. In fact her drug intake has been reduced since this started as she is not nearly as distressed as she was before.

Whether one chooses to believe that she is simply re-living her life experiences or that her dream state is offering her the opportunity to glimpse a parallel existence as suggested by quantum theory, there can be no doubt that it has brought a heightened sense of ease and comfort to her at this time. As if to underline that feeling of comfort, Lisa dropped by for a visit this morning. After browsing around the back yard, eating some fern in front of mother's window for a while, she lay in the bushes and spent the afternoon with us sunning herself.     

On a beam of light
Thomas